Back Stateside....now comes the hard part

The KLM return flight back to SF was not as magical as the Dubai-Amsterdam leg. The flight was full, deodorant was at a minimal throughout the economy class section, and the guy next to me continued to jab his elbow into my side like he was Dennis Rodman positioning for a rebound.

The good news was that upon landing, all three of my checked bags were among the first 20 bags out of the chute allowing me to make a quick getaway through customs and arrive at Quoc's pad in plenty of time for snacks, a beer, and betting before kickoff. The bad news (and I was warned about this from folks in Kabul), after customs, I was pulled aside and forced through a detailed search by Homeland Security at the final checkpoint. Apparently, something about traveling from Kabul to Amsterdam to SF raises some flags. I wonder why? As I got stopped, I realized that I could have simply cut left and out the door and onto freedom, but who knows if Jack Bauer and the "eyes in the sky were watching". I also had nothing to hide and was feeling pretty giddy about finally getting home, so wasn't too stressed about it.

I must add that the search was only a baggage search and not a rubber gloves, hands-on inspection...which reminds me. While I was waiting to board the flight in Amsterdam, I saw a woman getting frisked by a female security person after setting off the metal scanner during the boarding process. I have never seen such frisking without paying $10 on pay-per-view. The lady placed her fingers on the inside of the woman's waitband and slid her fingers along her waist. She then did the pat-down on both legs, but not just a pat like when you're putting the finishing touches on a sand castle at the beach, but a two-hand squeeze and rub from her ankles all the way to her armpits. The woman didn't even flinch which was amazing.

OK...Back to me....the security guy (badge name "Wong") asked me to put my backpack, computer case, and camera bag on the table in front of him. He proceeded to ask me questions about the trip which I couldn't decipher as small talk or interrogative in an effort to gain info that he could later use to prosecute me or something.

Wong: Did you pack everything yourself?

Me: Yup.

Wong: How much money are you bringing back?

Me: Zero. I'm broke. (See previous Amsterdam Casino post for further details on this point.)

Wong: How long were you in Afghanistan?

Me: from January 7th to the 30th.

Wong: How many days is that?

Me: (to self) what is this the SAT's? come on, Wong. We both know your math skills are better than mine.

Me: (to Wong) 23 days.

Wong: Do you smoke cigars or cigarettes?

Me: Nope.

Wong: then why do you have a lighter in your backpack?

(cue dramtic music)

Me: Uhhh, well I uhhh.... usually use this backpack for everything, so I uhh....probably was holding the lighter for a friend.... as we were going to a football game....or something....maybe....I think?

Wong: (immediately pulls out a bootleg box set of Weeds: the Complete Season from the backpack) Weeds: The Complete Season?? I've never even heard of it.

Me: (coolly) yeah, its a Showtime show....pretty funny. [at this point I'm expecting the questioning to get tougher and I feel my palms beginning to get clammy. I remind you, I have absolutely nothing to be worried about. He could have brought out the dogs, robots, whatever and they would have found nothing, yet I was getting nervous. punks.]

Wong: Yeah well, I've never even seen Lost.

Me: (trying to sound chummy) oh Lost...yeah I watched the first season. It was pretty good then it started to get lame and straying into too many plots. (have I said too much?)

Wong: I watch Deadwood.

Me: (who gives a F***!? Kickoff is less than an hour away homie!) Haven't seen it, but people seem to rave about it. (do people actually rave about it? I know zero people who watch this show, but hope to appeal to his good side by praising his potential for gauging the quality of a cable drama series.)

Wong: (opening my camera bag) you really should have a cover for this camera.

Me: Yeah, I know.

Wong: (points to my big roller suitcases) and what's in those?

Me: clothes.....and a couple of carpets I got in Kabul.

Wong: That's it?

Me: uhhh....yup.

Wong: OK...enjoy the rest of your day (waves me through)

Me: (SWEET!) that's it? ok, you uhhh....enjoy Deadwood.

Wong chuckles and I zoom out of there. Those dudes really know how to ruin a smooth exit from the airport that's for sure.

Besides this awkward exchange, the worst part of returning home is happening as we speak. (check time of this post) I have always had problems with jetlag when I get back from long international trips. I know everyone gets jetlagged, but I seem to get it much worse. Everbody in the office travels a bunch and I always ask about how they're feeling immediately when they return. Based on this empiricial data, I am always amazed by their resilience. For example, its 4:15am right now and I doubt I will fall back asleep before heading to work at 8am. I'm so wide awake right now, I could play a full 90 minute soccer game for sure. I'll be mess at the office by 11am and will sound like a moron when answering the "how was the trip?" questions.

Maybe I'll watch an episode of Deadwood on In-Demand right now to kill some time.